1) You will hear Sleigh Bells’ “Crown on the Ground” everywhere you go. Everything you do that is remotely different from the thing you just finished doing will be amplified by the electropop awesomeness that is this song. I’m talking about things like putting toothpaste on a toothbrush. Walking down a random hallway. Removing the staple from a stack of papers. EVERYTHING.


2) Emma Watson is pretty cool. In fact, she’s the coolest part of this movie. To be honest, I hadn’t been convinced that Emma Watson could be NotHermione before I saw this movie. I hope she’s found a niche in darkly comic, self-aggrandizing roles that are light years away from her previous everygirl roles. For more on this phenomenon, read the Daily Mail’s review-slash-love-letter to Emma Watson. Also this.


3) You will find out a bunch of things about teenagers that you already knew. Like that they take lots of pictures on their phones. And idolize celebrities. And stupidly publicize everything on Facebook. You will also learn a bunch of things about pretty, rich white kids that you already knew. Like that their parents are oblivious or willfully ignorant to the fact that their kids lead jewel-stealing, crack-snorting, gun-toting double lives. You will also learn something about celebrities that you already knew. Namely, that they are stupid.


4) Perhaps this movie is less about our materialistic culture and more about a culture that glorifies crime with no consequences. Half of the teens in the bling ring group attend an alternative high school for kids who couldn’t finish normal high school AKA deliquents. But heaven forbid we actually tell these kids that they did something wrong or give them concrete consequences for their actions! The other half of the group are home-schooled by a new-age, The Secret– toting mom who gives out Adderol like vitamins. She actually knows her girls are coming home at the crack of dawn from wild parties but never acts upon these instincts. Later in the film, one of the alt. high school girls crashes her car while intoxicated. She later brushes off her arrest, saying something like now she’s got to pick up trash for like ever, or something. The fact that these kids don’t get caught after multiple burglarlies only serves to make them more confident and more entitled. Couldn’t we also say this of famous celebrity offenders who only serve mere hours of their prison sentences and get released as newly-reformed citizens?


5) So #4 came about with some heavy thinking. Because there wasn’t really much else to think about. Too much of The Bling Ring feels just as superficial as its anti-heroines. The girls don’t seem to have much motivation… or personality for that matter… besides to just say they’ve got a piece of Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. They have NOTHING at stake.

Part of what makes Emma Watson’s performance so memorable is that she seems to understand the shallowness of her character the best out of all the cast. Everyone else seems to be in a different movie, a serious deep movie except it doesn’t get much deeper.


6) What’s going on with the dude at the center of the bling ring? His characteristically effeminate tendencies and platonic relationship with the rest of the girls make him the hardest character to grip. Why does he continue to get mixed up in the burglaries? What does his blurred, undefinable sexuality say about his follower role in the group? I miss grad school.


7) Paris Hilton’s house is exactly what you think Paris Hilton’s house would look like.